Every time someone asks me, “How is Tim doing?” I immediately come up with a dozen stories about him but never feel comfortable enough to share any of them. Why? Because I don’t want to see people getting bored, especially those who don’t have kids or don’t tend to talk about them during work hours.
A couple of weeks ago, I realized that 80% of my colleagues know that I have a toddler only because every now and then I drop a message in our chat saying, “Tim’s sick today; I’ll be responding slower than usual.” That was the moment when it crossed my mind that although two of my colleagues also have kids under the age of three, I never hear about them until I ask more than one regular question or they get sick and have to take part in zoom meetings. Everybody knows that catching colds is normal, but I’m sure that if I didn’t have a toddler myself, my brain would learn that having kids equals a never-ending vicious circle of illnesses, ruined routines, and pushed deadlines.
Growing up, I heard adults around me saying that children always have runny noses, sore throats, and coughs. That once the world of daycares accepts a child, it grants them with a special mark of colds and fevers. And again, scientifically, it’s correct: we need those triggers to teach our immune system how to fight the disease. But from the emotional perspective, kids are often considered an inconvenience. For a mom who has gone through an oxytocin rollercoaster to establish an unbreakable bond with a tiny snoring alien-looking human being, it sounds wrong to have the words “child” and “inconvenience” in one sentence, but… it’s a fact, right? The problem here is that only parents know the true portion of troubles in having little ones, and it’s unique for each family. Here’s a breakdown based on what I see and experience: 10% inconvenience and 99% love, laughs, hugs, kisses, and fun. You can thank me for this quick introduction to Mom’s Math later. But do people outside your family need to know about your parenting challenges and which skills your baby learned last week?
In today’s brave new world of hybrid and remote work modes, it’s a challenge to catch the balance between your professional and personal lives. Working at the office, I had a chance to start a small talk several times a day, and that’s precisely how I learned fascinating things about people I work with, the little stories that make up who they are outside titles and responsibilities. Being a mother is a massive part of my personality, and I feel that it’s essential to share it with colleagues if the final goal is to build strong relationships, not just wrap up a project. The question is how to do that when all small-talk opportunities are minimized.
With friends, it’s a bit different. You meet them at a certain stage of life when you share interests, time, and problems. Then, when each of you moves to the next stage, be that a career move, a literal move to a new place, or starting a family, you have to put more effort into maintaining the connection. And I honestly don’t understand why it makes sense to ask your friend about their new workplace and job role even if you know nothing about the company or the industry, but they can say something like, “I don’t know what to ask about your kid, I don’t have one.” You end up sharing what’s most important to you only with people living in the same context, and that’s not always the best scenario.
Now I’m working hard at looking deeper into this feeling of discomfort that tickles my stomach every time I start telling a funny story about Tim:
- How he and his daycare friends decided that licking each other’s faces in the middle of the global pandemic is fun.
- How he fell into a puddle and was shocked that he got wet.
- How diplomatic he looks when negotiating the bedtime routine.
One method I’ve been trying out is being more open and asking friends a simple question, “Do you wanna hear something fun about Tim?” Then, if they’re interested and support the conversation by laughing or sharing their own childhood memories, I might dive into whatever I find challenging or demanding in my role as a parent. And no, such conversations don’t last for hours, but they can improve your mental health and find new friends. Wanna share something with me? I’m all ears. And eyes.